
P»RICE IS CEIVTS. 



DE WITT'S ACTING- PLAYS. 



9 V^: 



/(Number 217.) 




F&OR FILLICODDY. 



IN ONE ^CT 



By J. MADISON MORTON, 

Author of "Lend Me Five Shillitigs," "Your Life's in Danger," "Box 
and Cox," "My Wife's Second Floor," "Which of the Two," etc. 



TO WEQCH ABE ADDED. 

A description of the Costumes— Synopsis of the Piece— Cast ot the Charactew 

— Entrances and Exits— Relative Positions of the Performers on 

the Stage, and the whole of the Stage Business. 




Jltto-Sork : 

CLIinX)N T. DE WITT, PUBLISHER, 

yo. S3 Ro»e Street. 




tUEAUT 



( er A COWPIETE DE 

J PLAYS. AND DE WITT'S 

"S riot, Costnnip. Sc"nory. 

^ tion, mailed free and pes 



e'" A COWPIETE DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE OF DE WITT'S ACTING 

"* 'T'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS, containing 

V. Time of Representation, and every other informa' 
I post-paid. 



DE WITTS ACTING PLAYS. 



jg?- Please notice that nearly all the Comedies, Farces and Comediettas in Uie following 
^isl ifDz Witt's Acting Vi.w&^are very siuilablefor repi'esentation in small Amateur Thea- 
trcb and on Pai-lor Stages, as they need but Utile extrinsic aid from complicated scenery or 
expensive costumes. T/iey have Gttabied their deserved jwpulti-ity by their droll situations^ 
excellent plots, great humor and brilliant dialogues, no less than by the fact that they are the 
most perfect in every respect of any edition of plays ever published either in the United States 
or Europe, whether as regards putity <f the text, accw-acy and fulness of stage directions a/ui 
scenery, or elegance of typography and clearness of jmnting. 

*** In ordering pieuse copy tlie figures at the commencement of each piece, which indicate 
the number of the piece in " De Witt's List of Acting Plavs." 

j;;^" Any of the following Plays sent, j^ostage free on- receipt of price — lH 

cents each. 

Address, ROBERT M . D E WITT, 

JTo. 33 Hose Slreel, JVefv Tork. 
C3^ Tho figure following the name of the Play denotes the number of 
Acts. The figures in the columns indicate the number of characters — M. Twafc; 
F. female. 

No. M. p. 

21. Dreams, drama, 5 acts 6 3 

186. Uuchessdela Valliore, play, 5act8.. 6 4 

47. Kasy Shaving, farce, 1 jict 5 2 

13 . E\erybody's i">iend, comi-dv, 3acCs. 6 5 

•ZM. K.straiiijcd, an oixretta, 1 act 2 1 

103. Faus and MarKueritf, drama, 3 acts, 9 7 
9. Fearful 'l'ra.:;edy in the Seven Dials, 

Interhidc, 1 act 4 1 

123. Female Detective, drama, 3 acts. ...11 4 

101. Fernando, dmma, 3 acis 11 10 

9;). Fiftli Wliecl, comedy, 3 acts 10 2 

14.^). First Love, coiiiedy, 1 act 4 1 

102. Foiled, drama. 4 acts . . 9 3 

88. Founded on Facts, farce, 1 act.. . . 4 2 

74. Garnck Fever, farce, 1 act 7 4 

51. Gertrude's Money IJox, farce, 1 act. 4 2 
73. Golden Fetter (Fettered), drama, 3 114 
30. Goo-e with the Golden Kggs, farce, 

1 act 5 3 

131. Go 10 Putney, farce, 1 act 4 3 

28. Happy Pa r, comedietta, 1 act 1 1 

l.Jl. Hard C ise (.\), farce, 1 Hct 2 

8. Henry Duubnr, diiima. 4 acts 10 3 

180. Hemy the Fifth, historical play, 5 38 5 

19. He's a Lunatic, farce, 1 act 3 2 

GO. Hiddeu Hand, drama, 4 acts 6 5 

137. His Owu Enemy, farce, 1 act 4 1 

174. Home, comedy, 3 acts 4 3 

04. Household Fairv, slvctch. 1 act 1 1 

190 Hunting the Slipper, farce, 1 act 4 1 

191. Higli ( :, comedietta, 1 act 4 2 

197. Hunchback (The), pl.-iy, .5 acts 14 2 

18. If I Ha I a Thousand a Ye.ir, farce, 

1 act 4 3 

116. I'm Not .Mesilf at All, original Irish 

btew, 1 act 3 2 

1'39. In for a Holiday, farce. 1 act 2 3 

159. In the Wrong House, farce, 1 act. .. 4 2 

122. Isabelhi Or.sii.i, drama, 4 nets 11 4 

177. I Slia 1 Invite the Major, comedy, 14 1 

100. Jack Long, drama, 2 acts 9 2 

139. Joy is Dangerous, comedy, 2 acts. .. 3 3 

17. Ki'id to a Fault, come ly, 2ttcts 6 4 

86. L:idy of Lyons, play, 5 acts 12 5 

72. Lame E.xcuse, farce, 1 act 4 2 



No. 

75. 
114. 
lt)7. 

U. 

40. 

89. 
192. 

Kit;. 

41. 
141 

67. 

36. 
16J. 

70. 
179. 

25. 

24. 
1. 

69. 
175. 

55. 



Adrienne, drama, 3 acts 7 3 

Anything for a Change, comedy, 13 3 

Apple Blossoms, comedy, 3 acts. . . 7 3 

Area Belie (The), laice, 1 act 3 2 

Atchi, comedietta, 1 act 3 2 

Aunt Cliarlotie's .\laiil, farce lact.. 3 3 

Game of Cards (A), c medietta, 13 1 

Bardell V-->. Pickwick, sketcli, 1 act. 6 2 

Beautiful Forever, farce, 1 act 2 3 

Bells (The), drama, 3 acts 9 3 

Birthplace of Podgers, farce, 1 act.. 7 3 

Black Sheep, drama, 3 acts 7 5 

Blow for Blow, drama, 4 acts 11 6 

Bonnie Fish Wife, farce, 1 act 3 1 

Breach of Promise., drama, 2 acts. . 5 2 

Broken-Hearted Clul), comedietta, 14 8 

Cabman, No. 93, farce, 1 act 2 2 

Caste, comedy, 3 acts 5 3 

Cauglit by the CnlT, I'arce, 1 act 4 1 

Cast upon the World, drama, Sacts.lO 5 
Catharine Howard, historical play, 

3act8 12 5 

Charming pair, farce, 1 act 4 3 

Checkmate, comedy, 2 acts 6 5 

Chevalier de St. George, drama, 3 9 3 

Chops of the Channel," farce, 1 act. 3 2 

Clouds, comedy, 4 acts 8 7 

Comical Countess, fare,', 1 act 3 1 

Clipboard Love, farce, 1 act 2 1 

Cupid's Eye-Glass, co nedy. 1 art... 1 1 

Cup of Tea, comedietta, 1 act 3 1 

Cut oil with a Shilling, comedietta, 

1 net 2 1 

Cvrill's Success, comedy, 5 acts — 10 4 
Captain of the Watch (The), come- 
dietta, 1 act 4 2 

D:iddy Gray, drama, 3 acts 8 4 

Daiideliou's Dodges, far e, 1 act 4 2 

David ■ -arrick, comedy. 3 arts 8 3 

Dearest Mamma, comedietta, 1 act, 4 3 

Dea er than Life, drama, 3 acts 6 5 

Deborah (Leah) drama, 3 acts 7 6 

Deerfool, farce. 1 act 5 1 

Doing for tlie Best, drama, 2 acts.. 5 3 

Dollars aud Cents, comedy, 3 acts. . 9 4 



POOE PILLICODDY. 



S Jfava, 



IN ONE ACT 



By JOHN MADDISON MORTON, Esq., 

Author of "Lend Me Five Shillings,"' " Your Life's in Danger,'' " Box and Cox,"' 
^' My Wife's Second Floor," " Which of the Two," etc. 



TO ■WHICH ARE ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUME — CAST OF THE CHABACTERS — EN- 
TRANCES AND EXITS — KELATn'E POSITIONS OF THE 
PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE 
OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 






NEW Y O R K • 

CLINTON T. DE WITT, PUBLISHER, 

(SUCCESSOR TO n. M. DE WITT), 

No. 33 Rose Street. 






Mr. Pillicodd}'. 
Capt. O'Scuttle, 
Mrs. Pillicoddy 
Mrs. O'Sciittlo. 
Sarah JJliiut. ... 



Mr. Pillicoddy. 
Capt. O'Scuttle. 
Mrs. Pillicoddy 
Mrs. 0"Scuttlf. 
Sarah Blunt.... 



Mr. Pillicoddy. 
Capt. O'Scuttle. 
Mrs. Pillicoddy 
Mrs. O'Scuttle. 
Sarah Blunt.... 



POOR PILLICODDY, 

CAST OF CHABACTER8. 

Original Cast, National, 

London. 1848. 

.Mr. BucKsTONE Mr. J. R. Vincent. 

Mr. H. Hall Mr. S. D. Johnson. 

.Miss ilowARD Mrs. VV. G. Jones . 

.Miss Lee Mrs. Western 

Miss Polly Marshal.. Mrs. J. R. Vincent. 
Bmion'g, N. Y., Charleston, S. C, 
1854. 18.55. 

.Mr. Burton Mr. Fuller 

Mr. Johnston Mr. Raymond 

. Miss A. Lee Mi.ss Wilton 

.Mrs. Cooke Mrs. Austin 

.Miss K. Saxon .; Mrs. Sloan 

Watntit-st., Phila., Boston Museum, 

185(i. 1856. 

.Mr. W. A. Chapman. ..Mr. W. Warren... 

.Mr. ScALLAN Mr. E. F. Ke.\ch . . . 

.Mrs. King Rose Skerrett 

.Mrs. Stoneall Mrs. Eckhart 

.Mrs. John Sefton — Mrs. J. K.Vincent. 



TTf^f? 






Broadioay, N. T., 

1854. 
.Mr. Davidge. 
.Mr. Seymour. 

.Miss A. GOUGENIIEIM. 

.Mrs. Seymour. 
.Miss J. Gougenheim. 
Broadway, N. Y., 

18.55. 
.Mr. W. A. Chapman. 
.Mr. J. Seymour. 
.Mrs. Warren. 
.Mrs. J. Seymour. 
.Miss J. Manners, 
Boston Theatre, 

18,57. 
.Mr. John Wood. 
.Mr. S. D. Johnson. 
.Miss E.MMA Taylor, 
.Miss Ida Vernon. 
.Mrs. John Wood. 



TIME IN REPRESENTATION-ONE HOUR. 



SCENERY. 

SCENE.— Interior of Pillicoddy's shop, in 5th grooves. At c. large glass doors, 
showing rursery -grounds and greenhouse at back. On r. 3 e. a semicircular couu- 
t t + t + t t t t t Plants seen. 

I ••.-.■..I _ I 



B. 5 E. 



Glass Doors. 



Window. 



L. 5 E. 



r. 4e, 



* * 
Chairs. 



L. 4 E. 



R. 3e. 



15 Si 



R. 1 B. 



Clock.* 



Orchestba. 



ter, with flowers, etc. Behind counter rows of small boxes or drawers, marked 
with names of seeds. Doors r. 2 e. and l. 1 e. Window l. f. 



POOIJ PILLICODDY. 



COSTUMES. 

Mr. Piu.icoDDT.— White !<ilk hat, with "frocn rim ; jrniy plaid shooting jacket, 

wliitf trousers, white waistcoat, shoes, red silk neckeh)th. 
Captain' O'Scuttle. --Large pea-jacket, hroacl-briinined straw liat, white trousers, 

shoes, striped stockings. 
Mrs. PiLLicoDDY.— Pink muslin dress. 

Mrs. O'ScuTTLE.— Blue muslin dress, while silk bonnet, drab silk scarf. 
Sarau Blunt.— Striped cotton dress, brown Holland apron, cotton handkerchief. 



PROPERTIES. 



One slate and pencil, plants in pots, clock ; watering-pot. with very long spout ; 
hand.sonie bonnet for Mrs. P., bracelet for Mrs. P., letter in envelope, small carpet- 
bag, green cotton umbrella, telescope ; letter, open ; jwppy seeds for Pillicoddv. 



SYNOPSIS 



Sarah Blunt is the shop-girl in the floricultural nursery of Mr. Pillicoddy, 
and the play opens in that worthy tradesman's shop. Sarah is busily engaged in 
working various sums in arithmetic, dropping the multiplication occasionally to 
lament that her master has thrown flowers "to the dogs," so entirely is he taken 
up by his newly-wedded wife. The maid could stand his paying the young woman 
attention while he was a-coiirting, but after marriage she thinks that he ought to 
attend to his neglected business. While she is lamenting that he is getting " vvor.ser 
and worser" Pillicoddy enters, carrying a watering-pot. Sarah begins praising 
Mr. P. for his renewed attention to business, but discovers that lie had been so ab- 
sorbed by thinking over the beatitudes of matrimony that he had forgo' ten to use 
any water. Sarah sticks to her te.xt, and urges her master to stick to business. 
He takes her reproof in good humor, but intimates that if he loses all his custom- 
ers he could devote himself to his "present course of innocent dissijjation without 
a murmur." Sarah, happening to recall the fact that :Mrs. P. had been a widow, 
dashes the cup of bliss from his lips. This was the one bitter drop which he would 
fain ignore ; but Sarah keeps harping about the " other chap," as she irreverently 
terms the first husband. Sarah, however, attends to business, and Mrs. Pilli- 
coddy enters, and the married lovers indulge in any quantity of innocent billing and 
cooing, during which the lady charms her husband out of nu expensive bonnet. 
Its cost is abundantly paid by the lady's style of saying " Thank ye. " But almost 
every lane has a turning, and Pillicoddy is so intoxicated with happiness that he 
lo.ses his head, and begins to annoy his wife by inquiries about the "dear dc- 
l)arted," ihc late Capt. Fitzpatrick O'Scuttle. Indeed he appears haunted by the 
idea that Capt. O'Scuttle may return from tlie briny billows beneath which he was 
suppo.sed to be quietly at rest. Sarah's suspicions of something going wrong arc 
aroused by the arrival of a letter for Mrs. Pillicoddy by a Winchester carrier. 
The letter was from her mistress' cousin Julia, who soon after arrives, bearing u 
carpet-bag and a green unibrdla. After the usual greeting, Mrs. O'Scuttle re- 
calls to her cousin's mind the day, .some four years past, when they two were 
married, in Gosport church, to two cousins— one to Capt. Fitzpatrick O'Scuttle, 
the other to Capt. Fit/.oerald O'Scuttle. Fitzpatrick went away, never to re- 
turn, but Fitzgerald did return-, to plague his wife. On the day of his arrival he 
sent his mate ashore with two letters— one for his wife, the other for one Capt. 
Thomas Trumpet. The latter Mrs. (j's. undertook to deliver— opened it, out of 



4 POOR PILIilCODDT. 

sheer curiosity, and found that it was to inform Trumpet, among other tilings, that 
he (O'ScuTTLi:) had brought " a Jenny to England with him," and g»es on to say 
that she was a pretty creature, and as he wanted his wife kept in the dark, he (Trum- 
pet) must take care of her for him. Upon this state of affairs Mrs. O'Scl'ttle had 
left her husband, and hastened to hide herself with her ccmsin. Mrs. P. would like 
to shelter her, but knowing Mr. P."s strict ideas of female propriety, intends to 
find her a refuge elsewhere, but for the moment hides her in her own room. 
Sarah has entered, and sends her mistress off to sec the milliner's girl. Capt. 
0"ScuTTLE now enters, unseen by Sauau, and informs us that he had followed bis 
wife in her flight, and even fancied he had seen her enter Pillicoddy's place. lie 
is dressed like a regular old sea-dog. He startles Sarah, when she turns and sees 
him, by his rough, abrupt questions. Asking if there is a young and lovely female 
in the house, and letting her know that he will return and see her master, he 
dashes out angrily, leaving no name but " Captain." Pillicoddy no sooner enters 
than Sarah tells him that a man has been there talking about '• weighing anchors 
and cutting cables," and that he wanted a lady ! A sailor ! All poor Pillicoddy's 
dreams and waking visions of a returning O'Scuttle, " all seaweed and barnacles," 
rush upon his brain, when Capt. O'Scuttle enters, telescope under his arm, and 
hails Mr. P. in a peremptory manner, exclaiming, "She's here!" Pillicoddy 
tries to soothe the marine monster, but he will not be reasoned with. He says he 
" saw her at the window" — the window of Mrs. P.'s room ! At length Pillicoddy' 
is so fully impressed with the idea that O'Scuttle is the husband of his (P.'s) wife 
that he ventures to suggest to him that he had better leave the premises ; but 
O'Scuttle demands his wife, and threatens as he goes off to return for her. Mrs. 
O'Scuttle comes on in the dark, and P., thinking it is Anastasia, bids her fly 
with him from O'Scuttle ; but the lady tears herself fnmi his embraces, and 
leaves. Soon Mrs. Pillicoddy' enters. Pillicoddy' is seated, with his face hidden 
in his hands. Mrs. P., supposing him to be O'S. looking for his wife, says that 
"he had better take her away at once, before Mr. Pilllicoddy knows anything 
about the matter." This renders Pillicoddy'— as ho says — "crazy, mad, frantic ! 
Ha ! ha ! ha !" Sarah has brought in a light, and as Mr. P. dances frantically 
about the room Capt. O'S. enters. Pillicoddy' seizes his hand, and drags him 
towards ]\rrs. P., exclaiming, " Take her !"' Taking poppy seed to " shuffle off this 
mortal coil," he grows wild and sleepy by tm-ns, and when ;Mrs. O'Scuttle comes 
on he rushes to her, and, in disjointed sentences, tells her that the ancient mariner, 
O'Scuttle, is in the next room with Mrs. Pillicoddy, whom he loves. Then the 
fun grows furious. Sarah, the Captain, Mrs. O'Scuttle, and Pillicoddy are all 
in a tangle of cross purposes, when Mrs. P. enters, explanations follow, "little 
Jenny " is accounted for, and all ends merrily for " Poor Pillicoddy." 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means Right of Stage, facing the Audience ; L. Left; C. Centre ; R. C. Right 
of Centre ; L. C. Left of Centre. D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene running across 
the back of the Stasje; C. D. F. Centre Door in the Flat; R. D. F. Eight Door in 
the Flat; L. D. F. Left Door in the Flat ; 11. D. Right Door ; L. D. Left Door ; 1 E. 
First Entrance; 2 E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; 1, 2 or 3 G. First, 
Second or Third Grooves. 

E. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

VS' The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. 



POOR PILLIOODDY. 



SCENE. — Interior o/Pillicoddy's Shop, in Zd and 5th grooves. At c. 
large glass door, shotting nursery grounds and greenhouse at 
back. On k. 3 e. a semicircular counter, with Jloiccrs, etc. Behind 
counter, rows of small boxes, or drawers, marked with names of 
seeds. Doors n. 2 e. and l. 1 e. Window at l. f. A clock hang- 
ing up. 

Sarah Blu.vt discovered behind the counter, adding up figures on a 
large slate. 

Sarah. No — for the life of me, I can't make it right. Let me try- 
once more. Four and seven, eleven — eleven and nine, twenty — twenty 
and seven, twenty-seven — twenty-seven and ten, thirty-seven — thirty- 
seven shillin;js is one i)ound seventeen — put down one and carry seven- 
teen — no, put down seventeen, and carry — no, carry seventeen and put 
down — it's no use ! I never was a dab at figures, and, what's more, I 
never siiall be. It's just as much as I can manage to reckon my wages — 
but that, somehow or other, I do contrive to do ! It's no sort of use, 
Mr. Piilicoddy, going into a temper with me about it. As I .said to Mr. 
Pilhcoddy the oilier day — •' Mr. Piilicoddy," said I, " you hired me as 
a shop girl, and not as a 'Ready Reckoner.'" He always used to do 
the summing up part himself till he took it into his head to get mar- 
ried, and now it's as much as he ever once opehs his day-book, or at- 
tends to a customer. Not he ! There he is, gadding about with liis 
young wife from morning till night. It was only the daj' before yester- 
day that he sent, me over to Winchester to buy five hundred tuhp bulbs, 
and then actually went into a jiassion because I made a little mistakej 
and bought onions. I have tio |>atience with him, that I haven't. It's 
all very well for a man to be jxjlite, and attentive, and amiable— in 
short, to make a fool of himself, when he's courting a young woman ; 
but, when that young woman becomes his wife, he ouiiht to come back 
to the shop, and slick to business, instead of which, Mr. Piilicoddy gets 
worser an<l worser ; and there's every possibility of his getting woVserer 
still ! 0, here he conies — and I do declare he's got a watering-pot in his 
hand ! Perhaps he's had a row villi missus 1 So much the better for 
the business, say I. [begins adding up on the slate again.) 

Kntcr PiLLicoDDY, at back, c. d., a watering-pot xcith a very long spout 
in his hand. 

PiLLicoDDV (singing as he enters). " 'Tis the last rose of summer," 
etc. {looking at clock) Past six o'clock, I declare ! I'd no idea it was 
so late. I may say, I thought it was earlier. U!)on my life I don't 
know how it is, but time passes so agreeably when one liappens to be 



6 POOR PILiIilCODDY. 

married. I don't know whether that's the general opinion, but my ex- 
perience — and I have been married six months — warrants me — I might 
say, authorizes me — publicly to repeat my observation, that time 
passes so agreeably when one happens to be married ! 

Sarah (r.)- I'm fjlad to see you've been watering the plants, sir. It 
begins to look like old times again. 

PiL. (L.i I certainly went out into tlie grounds for that purpose, 
Jiarati, but, by the time I had half flnislied tlie job, I suddenly discov- 
ered, upon looking into the watering-pot, that I iiad entirely forgotten 
the water — whicii water is, I believe, generally, if not universally, 
acknowledged to be an important auxiliary in the operation of 
watering. 

Sarah {shaking her head). Ah, sir, that shows that you were think- 
ing of something else. Things arc going on very bad, ."^ir. 

PiL. On tlie contrary, I think they are going on remarkably well — 
the bulbs especially. 

Sarah. Bulbs! I mean the business, sir. 

PiL. Well, bulbs is business. 

Sarah. Ah, sir, I'd give a whole year's wages to see you standing 
behind that counter again, with your apron on, serving out a penn'orth 
of seeds. 

PiL, So you will, Sarah, in (inie. You wouldn't grudge your mas- 
ter — your ill liilgent master — a little occasional relaxation 1 

Sarah. IS' ■ ; but the little occasional relaxation you talk of has been 
going on for the last six months. In short, sir, you've quite neglected 
the business. 

PiL. I'm TiMuxe of it, Sarah. When I married, I put this question to 
myself, and I put it seriously, Sarah — " Shall I attend to my business, 
or to my pleasure ?" And I at once unhesitatingly decided in favor of 
the latter. 

Saiiah. And you'll be sorry for it ! 

PiL. I don't know what I may be, but at present I experience no .sen- 
sation of the kind whatever — on the contrary, I feel that I could devote 
myself to my jjresent career of innocent dissipation for the remainder 
of my existence without a murmur. 

Sarah. Ah, sir, if you only knew what your customers say, when 
they never find you in the shop. 

PiL. Sarah, if my customers don't approve of my domestic habits, 
they may indulge their horticultural and florienltural inclinations at 
some other establishment. You may inform them, individually and 
collectively, with my coniplinients, that whenever Mrs. Pillicoddy 
wishes me to go out shopi)ing with hei\ out shopi)ing with her I will 
go — that if Mrs. Pillicoddy can't even go to market without me, she 
sliall not go. 

Sarah. You needn't go and get into a passion, sir. 

Pic Pm not going to get into anything at all, Sarah. I can only 
think of my happiness — for I consider myself the hap[)iest man in the 
whole county of Hampshire. I am prepared to lay wagers to an enor- 
mous amount, that I'm the happiest man in the whole county of Hamp- 
shire — I wouldn't mind including Wiltshire. By-tlie-bye, lias Mrs. Sim- 
cox, the milliner, been here with a new bonnet 1 

Sarah. No, sir. 

PiL. lias anybody in the employ of Mrs. Simcox, the milliner, been 
here with a new boimet ? 

Sarah. No, sir. 

PiL. Simcox and I shall quarrel. I foresee a storm brewing between 
Simcox and me. 



POOR PILIilCODDY. I 

Sarau. Another new bonnet for missus ! Five of them in less than 
three weeks ! That's pretty well, I think ! 

PiL. If I chose to go on purchasing new bonnets every five minutea 
for the rest of my life, I presume I am at liberty to do so. 

Sarah. But she can't wear them all, sir. 

PiL. Not all at once — that I'm perfectly aware of. 

Sarau. You'll excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid you indulge missus a 
leetle too much. 

PiL. Perhaps I do — but I can't help it. Mrs. Pillicoddy has such a 
winning way with her. I assure you that her playful manner of direct- 
ing my attention to a new shawl, or a new dress, in a shop window, 
must be seen in order to be appreciated. And then, when 1 purchase 
the article in question, her style of saying " thank ye" — her " thank 
ye's" are not at all like the general run of " thank ye's" — she says 
" tiiank ye" as if she really meant thank ye. Ah, Sarah, you don't know 
what it is to have a young wife. 

Sarah. No — and what's more, I'm sure I never shall. 

PiL. Don't be sure of anything — there's no knowing what may hap- 
pen. Look at me ! — wasn't I notorious for my antipathy to the matri- 
monial state ^ 

Sarah. Yes, but that was before you saw Mrs. Pillicoddy as is. Ah, 
she certainly was a blooming young widow. 

PiL. (stnrtiiKj). Sarah, how often have I told you never to allude to 
Mrs. Pillicoddy's former state 1 It's painful to me — distressing to me — 
the very word " widow" puts ray llesh all of a creep, just as if there 
were several rakes being drawn backwards and forwards all over my 
body — up and down my back especially. 

Sarah. Well, I'm sure, sir, if I had known you didn't like her to be 
called a widow, I wouldn't have called her a widow, And yet, if she 
hadn't been a widow, you couldn't have married her. My brother Tom 
married a widow — poor fellow ! 

PiL. What do you mean by "poor follow" 1 

Sarah. Why, because he turned up again. 

PiL. Your brother Tom? 

Sarah. No — t'other chap. 

PiL. 0, t'other chap ! May I inquire who the individual you desig- 
nate as ''• t'other chap" is 1 

Sakah. Why, the first husband. He was a sailor, and everybody — 
brother Tom included — thought him safe and snug at the bottom of the 
sea. But, as I said before, up he turned, for all that. By-the-by. 
missus's first husband — Captain O'Scuttle — was supposed to be drowned, 
wasn't he 1 

PiL. Supposed to be drowned ! What do you mean by supposed to 
be drowned? He irns drowned — very much drowned. The ship went 
to pieces in the chops of the chaimel, and so did he. 

Sarah. But they never found him ? 

PiL. No. He was so completely and entirely lost, that they never 
contrived to \)\c\\. up tiie smallest i)ossible particle of him. 

Sarah. That's just what they said about brother Tom's wife's first 
husband ; but, nevertheless, as I said before 

Pir,. Hold you tongue, Sarah, and leave me ! (crosucs, n. 

Saiiaii. Well, but, sir 

Pii . Leavo me ! 

Sarah. Well, I'm sure! [Exit, n. l. 1 e. 

PiL, • He turned up again !'' A man universally believed to have 
located himself for the remainder of his days among ihe cockles and peri- 
winkles at the bottom of the sea, that man " turned up again." Totally 



8 POOR PLLIjICODDY. 

regardless of the inconvenience which he must have known would at- 
tend his reappearance, that man calmly and deliberately turned up 
again. Suppose my wife's first should take it into his head to follow 
the absurd example set him by Tom's wife's first 1 It won't bear 
thinking about — and yet the thing's impossible 1 I appeal to any one. 
Fifteen months at the bottom of the sea, and then turn up again. He 
couldn't do it ! Then, on the other hand, it's just possible that he may 
be floating about still, clinging convulsivelj' to the main top jib, or the 
main jib top, or waving his handkerchief, and frantically shouting for 
assistance, on the very summit of one of the masts. Sometimes I fancy 
that he may have been washed on shore on some desert island, where, 
at this very moment, he may be wandering about like Robinson Crusoe, 
with his umbrella, and his parrot, and his good man Friday. By-tlie- 
by, wouldn't Mrs. Crusoe have been warranted in marrying again? 
wouldn't she have been perfectly justified in setting herself down as the 
disconsolate widow of the late Robinson Crusoe, Esquire"? Of course, 
and so was Mrs Pillicoddy perfectly justified in considering that she 
had lost her Scuttle. And yet that wretched mariner haunts me per- 
petually. I dreamt about him last night. I thought he came to my 
bedside, stuck all over with seaweed and barnacles, with Neptune's 
pitchfork in one hand, and his marriage certificate in the other, and de- 
manded his wife. 

Mrs. p. {icithout, l. 1 e.). Mr. PilHccduy ! Mr. Pillicoddy ! 

PiL. Here she comes ! 

Enter Mks. Pillicoddy, d. l. 1 e., icith a bonnet in her hand. 

Mrs. p. 0, my dear Mr. Pillicoddy, you are certainly the most kind, 
attentive, indulgent little husband in the world ! 

PiL. You approve of the bonnet ? She approves of the bonnet. 

Mrs. p. It's a perfect love! (admiring bonnet) In short, it would be 
absolute perfection, but for one leetle drawback. 

PiL. 0, there is a leetle drawback? And what may that leetle draw- 
back be 1 

Mrs. p. Simply that it dosen't fit me. 

PiL. 0! AVell, I dare say that is an objection. But I am confident 
ray beloved Anastasia will do me the justice to bear in mind, that when 
I purchased the article in question, I did not happen to have her head 
with me. 

Mrs. p. Luckily, Pillicoddy, dear Mrs. Simcox has another bonnet 
which becomes me — you have no idea how it becomes me. To be sure, 
it costs a leetle more money 

PiL. 0, it costs a leetle more money, does it] Never mind — consider 
it yours. 

Mrs. p. Thank ye. 

PiL. (amle). 0, that style of saying "thank ye !" — (aloud) Anastasia! 

Mrs. p. Yes, Pillicoddy. 

PiL. Don't call me Pillicoddy — address me as John Peter. If you 
only knew how infinitely I prefer being called John Peter, you wouldn't 
hesitate to indulge me by calling me John Peter. 

Mrs. p. Well, then, John Peter — dear John Peter! 

PiL. Am I really dear to you ? Now, Anastasia, I put it to you. If it 
were in your power, would you at once summon a county meeting, and 
publicly declare to the assembled thousands, that I am your dear John 
Peter ? 

Mrs. p. What a silly question ! 



POOR rrLLICODDY. • 9 

PiL. Perhaps it is ; but I can't fornet, Anastasia, that you've had a 
first; that I'm only your second; ami, consequently, that being your 
second, I naturally come after your first. 
Mrs. p. For shame, Mr. Pillicoddy ! 

PiL. There, there — you're callin;f me Mr. Pillicoddy again ! Pillicod- 
dy's a word of four syllables — John Peter's only three, and you prefer 
the four. I can't make it out. I'il be bound you had no difficuliy 
whatever in calling your first by his Christian name. By-the-by, what 
was lii.s Christian name ? 
Mrs. p. Nay. 

PiL. I insist upon knowing my predecessor's Christian name, as be- 
stowed u|)on him, at an early age, by his godfathers and godmothers. 
Mrs. p. Well, then — Fitzpatrick. 

Pi"L. 0, Fitzpatrick ! Then, I suppose, it used to be " Dear Fitzpat- 
rick " — or "Fitzpat" — or Pat. without tiie Fitz — or Fitz, without the 

Pat 

Mrs. p. I shan't answer you any more, sir — you're excessively dis- 
agreeble ! 

PiL. And Fitzpat was an angel! I say, of course, Pitzfat — I mean 
Fitzpit, was an angel ! 

Mrs. p. On the contrary, he was very violent in his temper, and ex- 
tremely jealous. In short, during the three years of our marriage, he 
fought no less than thirteen duels on my account, and killed or wounded 
his adversary in every instance. 

PtL. Did he 1 Anastasia, suppose we change the subject 1 
Mrs. p. {poutirifj). You aFways begin it. 

PiL. I know I do — and I ought to be ashamed of myself. Oblige mo 
by telling me that I ought to be ashamed of myself, (laking her hand) 
Ah, you've got that bracelet on a^ain — that identical bracelet, given to 
you by your first, on your wedding day-^and which biacelet, I, your 
second, have repeatedly requested you never to wear again. 
Mrs p. I took it up (|uile by accident. 

PiL. You never take up any that I gave you quite by accident. 
Mrs. p. You never gave me any. 

PiL. That paltry excuse shall not avail you any longer, for I'll in- 
sta?iily j)roceed to the nearest jeweller's, and purchase any quantity of 
bracelets I think ])roper. 
Mrs. p. Thank ye. 

PiL. (n-ndc). 0, that style of saying " thank ye " ! 
Mrs. p. You'll not be long away, John Peter, dear ? 
Piii. Long away from you, Anastasia 7 Judge of my impatience to be 
with you by the pace at which I leave you. (runs out rapidly at c. u.) 
Mrs. p. Ha, ha, ha! Poor Mr. Pillicoddy! What extraordinary 
pains he does take to make himself uncomfortable ! The slightest al- 
lusion to the late Captain 0' Scuttle ]iuts him at once into a fever of 
excitement that would be posiliv.dy alarminji, if he didn't luckily happen 
to be ridiculous — and yet, not five minutes' conversation have we liad 
ujjon any matter whatever, since we've been married that Mr. Pillicod- 
dy hasn't contrived, somehow or other, to introduce that unforlunalo 
subject, {bdl rings, r. u. k.) It's very evident to me that his mind is by 
no means in a (piiescent stale. He did nothing but talk in his slee]) last 
iiiiiht about Robinson Crusoe — and this veiy morning at breakfast, 
when I called his attention to an article in the Ham|>shire Chronicle, 
headed " l-lxtraordinary Preservation from Shi]>wreck." he nearly 
choked himself with a bit of muffin, ami asked me, in the most i)laintive 
tone imaginable, if I particularly wished to be the death of him. Wliat 
it all means I can't imagine, 



10 POOR PILIjICODDT. 



Enter Saeah, c. d. r., icith a letter. 

Sarah {as she enters). I hear what you say, my good nuin. {looking 
at letter) A letter for missus — to be delivered into missus' own hands! 
A plague of these new-fashioned enwellops, I say ! There's no longer 
any chance for a poor ignorant servant picking up a liitle useful infor- 
mation. Not that I've an atom of curiosity ! {looking into letter, k.) 

Mrs. p. So it seems ! {tapping her on the shoulder.) 

Sarau. a letter, ma'am, if you please — just come by the Winchester 
carrier — at the back door. 

Mrs. p. {taking letter). The Winchester carrier ? 

Sarah. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. P. {opening letter, a7id reading). Ha! Leave me. 

Sarah {aside). Now sJie's at it ! {aloud) Yes, ma'am, {going behind 
counter, r., and tecking ujy slate) Four and seven eleven — eleven and 
nine twenty — twenty and seven 

Mrs. p. Sarah, I desired you to leave me. 

Sarah. I'm going, ma'am, {aside) Rather a suspicious business this 
Winchester carrier ! {crosses to l.) 

Mrs. p. Sarah, do you hear rae ] 

Sarah. Yes, ma'am, {as she goes out, l.) Twenty and seven are 
twenty-seven ; put down seven and carry a Winchester carrier — no, 
carry a Winchester carrier, and put down [Exit, d. l. 1 e. 

Mrs. p. {wntching her out). She's gone — and now for another pe- 
rusal of this extraordinary ei)isile fiom cousin Julia, {reading) " Dearest 
Anastasia — I am the most miserable woman in the world." A i)ieasant 
beginning! •' My husband is a wretch — a good-for-nothing monster — 
and never, never, never will I look upon his odious face again ! I have 
just arrived here from Portsmouth, and will be with you almost as soon 
as you receive this. Your poor, almost, if not entirel}^ broken-liearted 
JLulia." Well, Julia has certainly succeeded in exciting my curiosity. 
What can have happened ? I suppose I must patiently await her ar- 
rival for a solution of the mystery. 

Mrs. O'Scuttle appears at c. d, r 

Mrs. O'S. Anastasia! 
Mus. P. Julia ! 
Mrs. OS. Are j-ou alone 1 
Mrs. p. Come in. 

Mrs. O'Scuttle enters, c. d. e., carrying a small carpet-hag in one 
hand, and a large green umbrella in the other. 

Mrs. O'S. {going vp to Mrs. Pilucoddy). Anastasia Pillicoddy, look 
in my face, and tell me if I don't look the very picture of misery. Make 
me happy, Anastasia, by telling me that I look the very picture of 
misery ! 

Mrs. p. (r.). Don't be foolish, Julia, btit immediately explain. 

Mus. O'S. The reason why you .see me here, with my car])et-bag in 
one hand and my umbrella in the other — (Mrs. P. places chairs ; they 
sit) I will! It's just four years ago, Anastasia Pillicoddy, since you 
and I got up one very cold, frosty morning, and walked, arm in arm, 
to Gosport church, wliere we were severally united in the bonds of 
matrimony to the men of our hearts — you to Captain Fitzi)atrick O'Scut- 
tle, and I to liis second cousin, Captain Fitzgerald O'Scuttle. At the 



tOOlJ PLLLICODDY. 11 

end of lliiee j'ears your husband disappeared in a gale of wind, and left 
you a widow. I wish I could say the same of mine. 

Mrs. p. Julia, for shame ! 

Mrs. OS. You think the expression too energetic. Wait till you liear 
the atrocious particulars. When my husband sailed on his last voyage, 
a year ago, I requested, as a particular favor, to be allowed to accom- 
pany him. 

Mrs. p. Which request he very properly refused. 

Mrs. O'S. Anastasia Pillicoddy, don't interrupt me. Well, the 
"Lively Polly " sailed without me, and my husband said he should re- 
turn in six months. At the end of that time I got a letter from him, 
saying he sliouldn't be back quite so soon. Three months passed, and 
1 got ano'Jier letter, saying he had been detained by contrary winds 
and strong currents — very convenient things these contrary winds 
and strong currents. A whole year passed, and I was gradually be- 
coming tolerably comfortable in my afflicted state, when, yesterday 
morning, at breakfast, news was brought me that the " Lively Polly " 
had been signalled off the Point. Of course 1 went into ecstasies — but 
they didn't last long. 

Mrs. p. What do you mean ? 

Mrs. 0"S. Judge for yourself. I had no sooner heard the news of 
the " Lively Polly's" safe arrival than in came the mate of the vessel, 
wliom my husband had sent on shore, lie had two letters in his 
hand — one for me, and the other for an intimate friend of my hus- 
band's. I offered to deliver it. 1 took it, and , 

Mrs. P. Opened it 1 

Mrs. O'S. Decidedly opened it! The contents paralyzed me! I 
believe 1 labored under a severe attack of hysterics for at least five 
minutes. There's the letter. Devour its contents, (they rise from 
chairs.) 

Mrs. p. {reading). "Dear Tom" 

Mrs. O'S. Yes-^the letter's addressed to one Captain Thomas Trum- 
pet — some marine monster that I never even heard of. 

Mrs. p. (reads). " Dear Tom — I hasten to announce" 

Mrs. O'S. Never mind that — come at once to the P. S. 

Mrs. p. (reads). " Postscript. — I forgot to mention that I have 
brought a Jenny to England with me." 

Mrs. OS. You hear ! He's brought a Jenny with him ! Go on. 

Mrs. p. (reads). "That pretty little creature that I told you I had 
met with a few months after leaving England." 

Mrs. O'S. Go on. 

Mrs. p. (reads). "Now, my dear Tom, you must take charge of her 
for the present; as my wife must be kept entirely in the dark — you un- 
derstand." 

Mrs. O'S. The wretch! 

Mks. p. Well, Julia, I must confess that your husband's conduct is 
certainly a little suspicious. 

Mrs. O'S. A little suspicious ! I'd give a trifle to see the expression 
of your face, if you suddenly discovered that Mr. Pillicoddy hail got a 
pretty little Jenny ! 

Mrs. p. I should instantly deniand an ex|)lanation of him, which I 
advise you to do of your husband, by returning to Portsmouth imme- 
diately. 

Mrs. O'S. Distinctly and decidedly, no! 

Mi:s. p. Hut I am afraid you cannot remain here. Mr. Pillicodtly's 
notit)ns of feniale propriety are so scrupulous, that I am sure he would 
severely blame your couduct in leaving your home. 



12 POOK PHililCODDY. 

Mrs. 0"S. Tlien I'll go elsewhere ! 

Mrs. p. Stay; I think I can find the accommodation you require iu 
the house of a friend of mine. 

Mrs. O'S. 0, thank you ! Ha — some one is coming ! 

Mr.s. p. Then step into my room, and I'll rejoin you immediately. 
Hush — go in ! [Mrs. U'Scuxtle exit, k. d. 2 e. 

Enter Sarau, d. l. 1 e. 

Sarah. Please, ma'am, here's one of Mrs. Simcox's young women 
wishes to know if you'd like to try on the bonnet you were looking at 
this morning 1 

Mrs. p. Yes. Show her into the parlor, and I'll come to her directly. 
Has Mr. Pillicoddy returned 1 

Sarah. I haven't seen him, ma'am. 

Mrs. p. (aside). Perhaps I had better inform him at once of Julia's 
arrival, {to her) When your master comes in tell him I wish to speak 
with him. 

Sarah. Yes, ma'am. Any orders for dinner, ma'am 1 

Mrs. p. Ask your master. 

Sarah. Yes, ma'am. Hadn't the kittens better be drowned, ma'am? 

Mrs. p. Ask your master. [E.rit, d. l. 1 e. 

Sarah. Ask your master. And when I do ask master it'll be, " Ask 
your missus." I begin to sus|)ect there's a change a-taking ])lace. I 
thought the sun couldn't be always a-shining. Well, as I said before, 
so nmch the better for the business. And, talking of business — let me 
see once more if I can't make that little account right, {takes up date, 
and stands at counter, with her back to the audience.) 

Enter Captain O'Scuttle, r. c. d., dressed in a rough jwa-jacket, large 
white trou-icrs, straw Jiat, etc. He enters hurriedly, looks about 
the stage, then begins walking to and fro rapidly. 

Capt. I can't be mistaken ! No — I saw a female enter this house — a 
smart, rakish-looking little craft, just the same build and rigging as 
Mrs. .0 Scuttle — but for the life of me I couldn't distinguish her figure- 
head. However, I've tiaced her to Southamjiton ; and, by the i)0wers, 
I'll not give up the chase till I discover her latitude and longitude. 
{seeing Sarah) Ha! {takes Sarah by the arm, drags her forward, 
turns her towards Mm, and looks into her face) No! {walks about 
again.) 

Sarah. "No!" What does he mean by "No?" I beg your pardon, 
sir, but 

Capt. What's the matter's 

Sarah. That's what I want to know. 

Capt. Then I don't mind telling you You must know, then, in- 
quisitive female, thai {as if hearing something) Ha! {looking off) 

No! As I was going to say, you must know that it's just one year and 
three days since I and my " Lively Polly" weighed anchor and sailed 
from Portsmouth 

Sarah. Really, sir, you must excuse me; but it can't possibly signify 
to me what happened to yoii, or your Lively Polly either. I never saw 
you in my life before, and I know nothing wliatever of the young 
woman. 

Capt. Silence! Well, I had intended {.sn me play as before) Ha! 

{looking off') No! I repeat, I had intcnc^ed to return in six months; 



POOR PILLTOODDY. 13 

but I wasn't able. In the first place I was detained by the cur- 
rents 

Sai:ah (/(.tide). 0, not quite ripe, I suppose! 

Capt. Well, at length we got back to Poitsmoutli (mme play) 

Ha! (looks off) No! 

Sarah (aside). How the man does annoy me with his "noes," to be 
sure I 

Capt. We made the Point at si.x p. m. yesterday, and I leave you to 
imai^ine my surprise and indignation when I tell you that the " Lively 
Polly " had no sooner cast anchor than my wife cut her cable and run 
before the wind ! Now, what d'ye say to that 1 

Sarah. Why it wouldn't bo much use her running after the wind ; 
but why did she cut poor Polly's cable 1 

Capt. Inquisitive female, you're slightly stupid ! 

Sarah. Well, I'm sure ! In one word, sir, what do you want in this 
liouse ? 

Capt. I want the master of it ! 

Sarah. Mr. Pillicoddy 1 

Capt. Don't know, (aside) Never heard of him. (aloud) Very well — 
let's say Pillicoddy. 

Sarah. Say Pillicoddy 1 It is Pillicoddy ! 

Capt. With all my heart. But tell me first — how many women have 
you on board ? 

Sarah. On board"? What, board wages'? 

Capt. Pshaw ! . There's a lady in the house 

Sarah. Yes, sir — master's wife. 

Capt. Pshaw ! I mean the other. 

Sarah. His other wife 1 

Capt. Pshaw ! Is there no other young and lovely female here be- 
sides your mistress 1 

Sauah There's only me, sir. 

Capt. Pshaw! Where's Pilli — you know. Where's your master ? 

Sauah. Just stepj)ed out, .sir — bul iio'll soon be back. 

Capt. So will I — and you may tell him so. 

Sarah. Yes, sir. Please sir, what name shall I 

Capt. True. Tell him that one Captain No, on second thoughts, 

don'i, mention my name. 

Sarah. I don't know it. 

Capt. Then be sure you don't tell him. I'll be back immediately, 
and, in the meantime, you can just inform this Mr. Pilli — I forget the 

rest of him — that if he presumes to trifle with me, by the powers I'll 

(same play as before) Ha! (looks out) No! 

[E.vit, R. c. P., slamming it violently after him. 

Sarah. Was there ever such a bear ! He oughtn't to be allowed to 
go about without a muzzle ! He .says his wife has run away from him. 
Of course she has. What could the man e.xpect ? But what can he 
possibly want with master, I wonder"? 0, here he comes! 

Enter Pillicodpy, r. c. d. 
Well, sir"? 

PiL. Well, Sarah 1 

Sarah What is it? 

PiL. What is whatl 

Sarah. Didn't vou meet him "? 

PiL. Who 1 

Sarah. The individual who's just been here for you 

PiL. What's the individual's name? 



14 POOK PIIililCODDy. 

Sabah. Don't know, sir. 

PiL. What's the individual's business 1 

Sakau. Can't tell, sir. 

PiL. Sarah, I am now more than ever convinced that you are, by no 
manner of means, of a communicative disposition. 

Sarau. It's no fault of mine, sir. I couldn't make head nor tail of 
what the gentleman was talking about. It was all a jumble about cur- 
rants, and gales of wind, and lively Pollys, and weighing anchors, and 
cutting cables, and 

PiL. — a sailor ! 

Sauaii. I dare say he was. But what I can't make out is, why should 
lie come here after a lady 1 

PiL. {ffivutff a violent jump). A lady '? 

Sarau. Lor', sir — what's the matter 1 

PiL. Notliing. It was only a sort of a — j'ou know I'm subject to this 
kind of a — But good gracious ! what lady? which lady ? Of course he 
didn't inquire for the lady without describing the lady. 

Sauah. He merely said she was a young and lovely female, and as he 
said it wasn't me, I can only sup])Ose he meant missus. 

PiL. {r/linnj another hound). Ah! 

Sakau. Don't, sir ! 

PiL. Well, I won't — for now that I am able to reflect calmly and dis- 
l)assi()nately upon the occurrence that has just taken i)lace, I feel in- 
wardly convinced that this "jolly young waterman" has mistaken this 
house for one of (he numerous establishments for young ladies in or 
about Southampton. 

Sakah. You'll soon know all about it, sir, for he'll be back directly. 

PiL. Will he ? Then inform him, with my coinplimeuls, that sudden 
and unexpected business will detain me for the ne.\t six months. 

Sarah. Lor', sir ! I told him you'fl be in directly. 

PiL. Thank ye, S:irah — I'm indebted to you. Perhaiis yonll add to 
the obligation by going up into the front gariet and lotting mc know 
when this jovial tar approaches. 

Sarah. Yes, sir. 

PiL. And, Sarah — not a word to your mistress^ 

Sarah. No, sir. Lor', sir, talking of missus, only suppose as how this 
should be her first turned np again ! crimini ! what fun ! 

PiL. Hold your tongue ! 

Sarah. I've done, sir— only you know, sir, what happened to brother 
Tom, might happen to 

PiL. Hold your tongue, I say I 

Sauah (goi/ig). Any orders for dinner, sir 1 

PiL. Ask your mistress 

Sarah (aside). I said so. [takinr/ up slate as she goes oilt, R. 1 e.) 
Four and seven, eleven — eleven and nine, twenty — twenty and — {stop- 
ping/ at R.) Hadn't the kittens belter bedrownded, sir? 

PiL. Ask your mistress. 

Sarah {a.ndc). I said so. Pour and seven, eleven — eleven and nine 
— etc., etc. [Exit. n. 1 e. 

PiL. Horrible misgivings are floating across my brain in hideous con- 
fusion. What if my dream should be coming true! what if this mys- 
terious briny stranger sliould turn out to be my friend with the sea 
weed and barnacles— my Neptune — my Robinson Crusoe! No; such a 
frightful calamity may have happened to brother Tom, but not to Pilli- 
coddy. No; the fates couldn't be so unkind to Pillicoddy as to turn 
lip his wife's first. I feel inwardly convinced that the aforesaid fates 



POOR PILLICODDY. 15 

could not be so unkind to Pillicoddy. Then let this salt-water individ- 
ual present himself, and the sooner the better. 

Sarah {icithout). He's coniins:. sir. Look, sir — that's liim, a-leaning 
up against the pump over the way. 

PiL. {going toe. d.). Yes, liiere he is, sure enough. Holloa! what's 
he about "? Taking a deliberate aim at the window witli some species 
of firearm ! No — it's a telescope. Now, really [walks across to r ) 

Enter Captain O'Scuttle, k. c. d., icith telescope. 

Capt. (l., to Pillicoddy). Stop ! I'll trouble you to shorten sail and 
bring to. 

PiL. (R. ). Bring two 1 Two what ? 

Capt. Pshaw ! So, sir, it seems I've found you at last ? 

PiL. It certainly does seem so — I am not prepared to deny the fact 
that it does seem so. 

Capt. I believe your name is Pilli something or other ? 

PiL. No, sir, it is not Pilli something or other — it's Pillicoddy ! John 
Peter Pillicoddy. 

Capt. No matter. 

PiL. I beg your pardon — it does matter. And now, sir, if there is 
anything I can do for you 

Capt. There is. You can hold your tongue, as soon as convenient, 
and listen to me. {in a very sudden and loud tone) She's here ! 

PiL. {starting). There's no necessity, sir, for exercising your organ 
in that absurd manner. 

Capt. I repeat, she's here ! You cant deny it. Don't speak — you 
haven't a word to say — don't interrupt me ! How did she come here? 
wlien did she come here 7 why did she come here V 

PiL. Really, my dear sir, the pronoun .she being applicable to the en- 
tile female sex, I must trouble you clearly to define the particular she 
you mean by she. 

Capt. My wife, sir ! 

PiL. (aside). His wife! {slightli/ staggering) Holloa, Pillicoddy, what 
are you about"? No nonsense, Pillicoddy — be firm — be \\\n\\—{<doud 
and suddenly) Pooh! i)ooh ! I beg to observe, there's nothing personal 
in my pooh ! pooh ! therefore, as I said before, pooh 1 pooh ! — I know 
nothing of your wife — how should I 1 There's only one married female 
in this house, and she happens to be my wife. 

Capt. Don't trifle with me, Pilli — whatever it is. I saw her — di.'5- 
tinctly saw her at a window on that side of the house — and that must 
be the room, {points to door r. 2 e ) 

PiL. {aside). Anaslasia's apartment! {looking about for a chair to 
faint upon.) 

Capt. So, sir, if you've no objection we'll have her out. (going to- 
irards r. d. 2 e.) 

PiL. {throiring himself before CAPT:A\ji). Deware, mariner — beware! 
I'm small, but desperate — diminutive, but determined, {aside) And 
yet, now I think of it, Sarah told me that Mrs. Pillicoddy had Just gonn 
out; so it couldn't be her be saw — it must have been his fancy — ho 
must have seen his fancy. Ha, ha, ha ! I breathe again, {aloud to Caf- 
tai.n) Very well, sir ; as you will insist upon it that your wife is in that 
room, have her out, by all means. There doesn't happen to be any- 
bdoy there — but, nevertheless, have her out. 

Capt. (unable to open door, n. 2 e.). 0, there's nobody here, eh? 
Then how is it that the door hajjpens to be locked on the inside of it, 
ell 'i {looking through the key-hole.) 



]6 POOK PrLUCODDY. 

PiL. {aside). She must have come back ! {seeing Captain, and vio- 
lently p^dling him away) Holloa, sir ! No looking through the key- 
hole — delicacy forbids. 

Capt. Hark ye, Pilli — whatever it is — don't presume to trifle with me 
any longer, or, by the blood of the O'Scnttles 

Til. {in a vcrji x>laintivc tone). The what? 

Capt. The O'Scnttles ! Captain 0' Scuttle stands before you. 

PiL. Are you that man? {seizing Captain's hand) Does this hand 
really and truly grasp a Scuttle 1 {brings doicn a chair, arranges 
ciisJdon, etc., and then deliberately sits doicn and faints — tlLen suddenly 
jumps tip again, and with a sudden air of gayety) Stop — wait a bit ! 
My dear sir, allow me to call your attention to a trifling but important 
fact, that seems to have entirely slipped your memory, and that is, thfit 
you are drowned. 

Capt. Oh, I'm drowned, am 1 1 

PiL. You know you are. You are this moment at the bottom of the 
sea. There was no end of tears shed on your account at first; but 
now you are forgotten, the world gets on very comfortably without 
j-ou — so why destro}"^ the agreeable delusion 1 I i)Ut it to you — 
why destroy the agreeable delusion 1 Now, go back from whence 
you came. I have considered the point in all its bearings, and I 
should be neglecting a duty — a sacred duty — if I did not advise you 
to go back from whence you came. 

Capt. Thank ye; but I've had enough of the sea for some time. 

PiL. I should tliink so ; but you don't seem much the worse for it. 
{aside) I don't see any barnacles about him. 

Capt. Let me tell you shipwreck's no joke. It's no trifle to be wan- 
dering about on an islaM<l like Robinson Crusoe. 

PiL. {aside). Tliere! I thought as much. 

Capt. It's my belief I should have died if it hadn't been for the 
natives. 

PiL. {aside). Shipwiecked on an oyster-bed ! The luck of some peo- 
ple is perfectly miraculous. 

Capt. However, sir, I once again beheld the white cliffs of old Eng- 
land, and I foigot all my troubles in contemplating the aflfectionate, 
loving welcome of my wife. 

PiL. {aside). Poor devil. 

Capt. But it wasn't to bo, sir. Excuse these tears. 

PiL. Don'i mind me, sir — get rid of the superfluous salt water, by all 
means, {aside) I really feel for the man — to me there's something pecu- 
liarly touching in the conleniplalion of a jolly tar, when he's not jolly. 

Capt. Mrs. O'Scuttle hail left her home. {sigJiing deeply.) 

PiL. {aside). He calls her Mrs. O'Scuttle. Then he's I'lot aware — he 
seems so entirely broken down by grief, jjliysicnlly as well as uientally, 
that I think I'll venture to tell him. {aloud) My dear sir, will you allow 
me to mention to you, in confidence, tiiat when you jjrcspnted yourself 
before me for the first time I immediately made this ob.servation to my- 
self within myself: " If ever there was a man cut out by nature to bear 
a shock like a Briton, yonder man is (hat man ! " I don t wish to flatter 
you, but to myself, within myself, 1 made that observation. 

Capt. Indeed! And pray, sir, didn't it occur to you, at the same 
time, that I was just the sort of man to cut your throat, or any other 
man's that dared to do me any injury ? {eery fiercely.) 

PiL. Why, no — I can't .say 

Capt. Can't you ? Then, by the jjowers, I'll show you it is .so, if you 
don't immediately and salisfacto:iIy explain how it is tliat I find "my 
wife ill this house. 



POOR I'lLLICODDY. 17 

PiL. Your wifel When 5-ou say your wife, of course you are nat- 
urally and powerfully impressed with the pleasing but slightly erroneous 
idea that she is your wife. 

Capt. What d'ye mean 1 

PiL. Mean 1 {cxdaiinincj) Good gracious ! Did it never occur to 
you, as you were wandering about your island like a wretched Robin- 
son Crusoe, that your wife might naturally fancy herself a widow — and 
that, fancying herself a widow, she might ec^ually naturally endeavor 
to console herself for your loss by 

Capt. Whatl 

PiL. Can't you guess ] {lir/hls gradually darken.) 

Capt. No. {Villicoddy whispers ucrvnis to CxPTAiii) Speak out 1 

PiL. (fft'tting behind chair — shouting). By niarrj'ing again! 

Capt. Marrying again 1 Ha, ha, ha! That would be a mighty 
good joke. Ha, ha. ha! 

PiL. (aside). He takes it remarkably well, (advancing) Ha, ha, ha ! 
(increasing in loudness) Ha, ha, ha I Then you're not offended 1 you 
don't mind it 1 You're a great creature, and I respect you. (taking 
Captain's hand) I respect you much, but, under existing circum- 
stances, don't you think it would be as well for you to — Umph ! (point- 
ing towards c. d.) In short, don't you think it would be better for you 
to — (jmints to c.) Umph ! 

Capt. What d'ye mean 1 

PiL. Why, if she were to know that you've turned up again 

Capt. She 1 Who? 

PiL. My wife ! 

Capt. I can't see how that can possibly matter to her — all I want is 
my wife. 

PiL. Well, your wife, or nij' wife — it's all the same. 

Capt. All the same 1 

PiL. Of course. We may say our wife, eh 1 Ha, lia, ha ! (louder) 
Ha, ha, ha ! 

Capt. 'Sdeath and the devil! You don't mean to say that Mrs 
O'Scutlle 

PiL. Mrs. Pillicoddy, if it's the same to you. 

Capt. Bother Mrs. Pillicoddy ! I repeat, you don't mean to say that 
Mrs. O'Scutlle 

PiL. Bother Mrs. O'Scuttle ! You either can't or won't understand, 
that by your absurd and capricious conduct — first in getting yourself 
drowned, and then turning up again — you and I, at this present moment, 
have only one wife between us. 

Capt. What, you don't mean to say you've married my wife ! 

PiL. Certainly not, sir. I've married your widow. 

Capt. Widow 1 How can that be, when I'm alive 1 

PiL. But you have no business to be alive — it's the height of absurd- 
ity on your i)art to be alive. 

Capt. Faithless, j)erjured woman ! But I'll be the death of her ? 

Pin. Then we shall be worse off than we are now — we shall have no 
wife at all between us. 

CAtr. It certainly is a bit of a blunder. 

PiL. A very considerable bit. 

Capt. However, hukily, the remedy is simple enough. 

I'll,. I'm delighted to hear it. What is it ] 

Capt. Either I shoot you, or you shoot me. 

PiL. It's very handsome of you to give me the choice. Ill shoot 
you. 

C.\pt. (fiercelg). No! 



18 POOR PILIilCODDY. 

PiL. Can anything be fairer 1 

Capt. No ! 

PiL. Very, well then 

Capt. No! 

PiL. Why, just now you 

Capt. No ! 

PiL. You distinctly said 

Capt. No ! 

PiL. Yes — you've said no several times, but 

Capt. That'll do ! Tell Mrs. O'Scuttle 

PiL. Mrs. Pillicoddy ? 

Capt. Mrs. O'Scuttle! 

PiL. Pillicoddy ! 

Capt. Tell her to pack up instantly, and prepare to accompany her 
lawful husband 

PiL. That's me ! 

Capt. Me ! 

PiL. Me! 

Capt. I'll be back directly. 

PiL. {notlistening to Mm). Me! 

Capt. You hear I [Exit, Jiurriedly, c. d, 

PiL. Me I {shouting after 1dm) Me! {walking down rapidly to front) 
What's to be done 1 Give up Anastasia ? Never ! What would life 
be to me without my Anastasia 1 Nothing. What would Anastasia be 
to me without life "? Nothinger still — so let my crj' be, " Anastasia or 
deatli !" with a decided preference for Anastasia. Ah — yes ! If we 
could only make our escape together, before this infuriated Scuttle re- 
turns — yes, yes. [tltc stage is noin dark. He runs to r. d. 2 b. and 
shakes it violently) Open the door! (shakes door again) Open the door, 
I say! The house is on fire! (shouting. A slight scream is heard. 
Door opens, r. 2 e., and Mrs. O'Scuttle appears — he seizes her and 
drags her forward) It's I — your Pillicoddy — your John Peter ! My 
dream — my nightmare's come true — Robinson Crusoe lias turned up 
again — I mean, j'our husband — no, not your husband 

Mrs. O'S. (aside). I thought so, I was sure I heard the good-for- 
nothing fellow's voice. 

PiL. He comes here from some distant oyster-bed or other, to drag 
you away from me — from me, your own John Peter ! 

Mrs. O'S. (aside). Can it be possible 1 Does he still love mel 

PiL. He says he adores you — so much so, that he swears he'll be the 
deatli of you, and me too — so let's fly together, beloved of my soul — 
let's fly together ! (dragging at her.) 

Mus. O'S. (aside). Who can this be ? What matchless impudence ! 

PiL. Wiltshire invites us. Fly with me — your second — your own true, 
fond, devoted second — d — n you first — he's drowned ! I'm vour hus- 
band ! 

Mrs. OS. Unhand me ! (breaks from Jiim, and runs out, c. d., and 
goes into greenhouse, c.) 

PiL Siie breaks from me. I understand it all. She loves lier first 
— she said so. Siie'll follow her first through the world — she'll jiut 
down her PiJlicoddj' and take up her Scuttle — she said so. 0, wliat exe- 
crable ta^t3 ! to say nothing of llie base ingratitude of the woman — after 
the no end of new bonnets I've given her. What will become of me ? 
Curiosity is not naturally one of my failings, but it would be satisfactory 
to me to have some faint idea of wliat will become of me. (seats himself 
in chair, hiding his face in his hands.) 



POOK PIIililCODDY. 19 

Enter Mrs. Pilucoddy, d. l. 1 e., a bandbox in her hand. Lights 

down. 

Mrs. r. (aside, as she enters). Surelj' I cannot be mistaken — the 
genilemau that I caught a gUmps of a few niimites ago, walking about 
the grounds. I haven't seen Captain O'Scultle for four years — and it is 
almost too dark to recognize an,v one to a certainty — vet I could almost 
swear — (Pillicoddy sneezes) There's somebody here I Can it be he 1 
Jf so, I will inform liim at once of Julia's arrival, (aloud) Ahem ! hem! 

PiL. (hearing). Somebody with a cough, or a cold in the head. 

Mits. P. (louder). Ahem! Who's there 1 

PiL. (aside). Anaslasia's voice! She's come back to implore my 
pardon. 

Mrs. P. Is it yon, Captain 1 (louder) Is it you ? 

PiL. (aside). Captain ! She thinks it's Robinson Crusoe. Slie takes 
her second for lier first, [aloud, and assuming sailor's voice and man- 
ner) Ay, ay, my hearty ! Shiver my timbers ! Haul away, my 0, 
boys ! 

Mrs. p. (hastilg, and approaching him). Then listen to me. (puts 
down bandbo.v) Your wife is here. She may have acted a little impru- 
dently, but I'm sure you'll forgive her, like a dear, kind, affectionate 
husband that you are. Believe me, she loves you as dearly as ever ; 
so lose no time, but take her away with you at once, before Mr. Pilli- 
coddy knows anything about the matter. 

PiL. (who during the above is variously agitated). Ha, ha, ha ! (very 
loud) Ha, ha, ha ! {weaker and weaker — then sinks doicn, crushing bon- 
net bo.r ) 

Mrs. p. (idarmed). Why, it's Pillicoddy ! Help ! Sarah ! Sarah ! 

Enter Sarau, r. 1 e., icith lighted candle. Lights tip. 

Sakau. Lor', missus — what's the matter? 

Mrs. p. (seeing Pillicoddy). Why, I do declare, it's your master! 
(calling) Pillicoddy! John Peter ! 

Sauau. (holding candle close to his face). It's no use, ma'am.- We'd 
better put him to bed. Ymncili leave the key of the cellar about! 
(putting down candle.) 

Mrs. p. John Peter, I say — dear John Peter! 

PiL. (suddenly starting up). Don't call me John Peter — call me Pil- 
licoddy 1 No, don't — call mo J/i'.yi<'r Pillicoddy. Go to your first I Re- 
sume your Scuttle! Follow your Scuttle throughout the world ! Go, 
peijiired, capricious Anastasia — go ! Don't think to break my heart ! 
No, no ; here I'll sit, and calmly witnes.s your departure. 

Sarah. Now, do go to bed, sir. You're quite dreadful to look at ! 

PiL. Silence, Sarah I 

Mrs. p. Well, but 

PiL. Silence, I say ! I'm desperate — crazy — mad — frantic ! Ha, 
ha, ha ! Tol d*rol ! (ringing and dancing) 

" Can yor dance the Polka? 
Won't you dance the Polka ?" 
Ha! (looking off at c.) He comes! Crusoe comes to claim liis wife ! 
Tlie gentle Robinson approaches ! (shouting) Come in, Barnacles. 

Don't be sliy. Come in, I say (running to c. Ihcy hurry in, d. 

K. 2e.) 

Enter Captain O'ScuTTiiK, b. c. d. 

(seizing hold of Captain, and dragging 7iim hurnedly towards b. d.) 



20 POOR PILIilCODDY. 

She's there — take her, and my blessing along with her! (violently bon- 
nets Captain, and forces Jam off, r. d.) And now — nou- — what has Pil- 
licoddy to live for f Nothing. Ergo, Pillicoddy dies. But tlie means? 
I can't swim, so it's no use thinking of drowning myself — and apothe- 
caries won't dispense arsenic, except for rats — and allhoiigh the major- 
ity of apothecaries are proverbially credulous, still I feel it would be 
useless for me to attempt to pass myself off as a specimen of that 
spacies of vermin. Ha — yes — one of those numerous and long-neglect- 
ed drawers {pointing to the nest of drawers on counter) contains pojipy 
heads — the poppy heads, poppy seeds — and poppy seeds, when taken in- 
cessantly for several weeks, produce immediate dissolution. Happy 
thought ! Here they are. {coming forward with drawer) <Vhat whop- 
pers ! Fortunate Pillicoddy — that they should happen to be whoppers! 
{eating, and filling his pockets with the rest) Anything much more un- 
savory — I might say nasty — I never tasted. Never mind — it'll soon be 
ovev, {eating again) and then an inquest will be held upon me. Twelve 

of my intimate friends and fellow-townsmen will But stop — the 

worst of it is, that all this will add considerable to the perfidious Anas- 
tasia's wordly happiness. 0, if I could only do something to destroy 
the perfidious Anastasia's worldly happiness before the poppy heads 
produce their effect, I declare they've made me quite sleepy already. 
Ha ! what do I see 1 {looking toioards greenhouse, hack of c. d.) A 
lovely female ! {seeing Mits. O'Scuttle, who is seen in the greenhouse) 
And shall I hesitate l No ! Anastasia, thus do I cast you off forever ! 
Thus do I tear your once-loved image from my bosom, and suj)ply its 
place with yonder exquisite stranger! Happy idea! I'll about it 
straight, {stopping suddenly and yawning) Holloa! what's the matter 
with me ? I feel quite — it's those confounded poppies ! {shakes him- 
self, then dances up to Mrs. O'Scuttle, takes her hand and leads her 
forward) Enchanting being! pardon the candor of a stranger — a total 
stranger — but I have a request to make — a trifling one — and that is, 
that yon will from this moment enshrine me in the innermost recesses 
of vour heart. 

Mrs. O'S. (r.). Sir! 

PiL. (l.). Now do — graceful, swan-like creature, do — and I swear to 
you, on honor of a Pillicoddy 

Mrs. OS. {astonished). Mr. Pillicoddy! 

PiL. Yes, dove-like lass — yes. {suddenly very drowsy — then violently 
shaking himself) Yes — your Pillicoddy. So take me — all I have is 
yours. My house, my shop, my grounds, my flowers, my very cucum- 
ber frames ! 

Mrs OS. 0, sir, consider — if Anastasia only knew 

PiL. I wish lier to know. I repeat, I wish — her — to -[again very 

drowsy; rouses himself) Pardon me, sylph-like beauty — I've been in- 
dulging in i)oppies ! Yes, the sooner Anastasia knows the better, for 
I'm only following her example. She has recovered her Scuttle, and 
she is hapi)y in that Scuttle! In short, give her a cottage and her 
Scuttle, and I believe she would be content. 

Mus OS. Scuttle 7 {anxiously) Surely not Captain O'Scuttle, just 
returned from a long voyage 1 

PiL. Yes, she loves the colossal mariner ! She told me so. They are 
now together in that very room, {points to r.) 

Mrs. OS. Can it be i)0ssible'? Perfidious Anastasia I Now I can 
understand her anxiety to get me out of tlie house. Wliat's to be 
done 1 Sir — sir — {going to Pillicoddy, who. during his speech, has 
gone fast asleep, and is standing swaying to and fro) I say, sir — 
(shaking Pillicoddy, who falls on her shoulder. She toith difficulty 



POOR PILLIOODDY. 21 

supports him. A scream is heard, and Captain O'Scdttle comes in 
from n. d. 2 e., idth &AR\nfaintinff in his arms.) 

Mrs. OS. My husband! 

Cai't. My wife ! 

Mrs. O'S. Let go that Avoman, sir! 

Capt. Diop that man, madam ! 

Sarah {recovering, looks up in Captain's/c/c^; — then, modestly). 0! 
(hiding her face on the Captain's shoulder again ) 

Capt. Don't be absurd ! 

Sarah {looking up again). I'm a Ibolisli, timid young creature — but 
really, when one hears one's self made such desperate love to — all of a 
sudden, too — ! {trying to hide her face on his shoulder again — lie 
keeps her off.) 

Mrs. O'S. {to Captain). There — you hear, sir ! 

Capt. Pooh — it's no such thing, {starting up ) 

Sarah. No such thing 1 0, you vile, double-faced fellow ! Didn't 
you swear you loved me "? Yes ! Didn't you call me your wife 1 Yes ! 

And do you think I'm going to throw a chance away 1 No, no 

{making a vusJl at him with open arms.) 

Capt. Be quiet — ^it's all a mistake. The room was so plaguy dark I 
thought I was s|)eaking to 

Mrs. O'S. To Anastasia, eh 1 

Capt. Anastasia] Who's Anastasia ? 

PiL. {suddenly giving hinuelf a violent shaking). Who's Anastasia ? 
My Anastasia ! I can't give her up — I won't give her up ! {crosses to 
Captain) Scuttle — my gentle Scuttle — ray gallant Scuttle — don't take 
her from me ! 

Capt. Who the devil wants her 1 

PiL. {cros.tes to c). Anastasia, he doesn't want you! Anastasia, the 
great Scuttle doesn't want you! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Enter Mrs. Pillicoddy, l. d. 1 e. 

Mrs. p. No ; I suspect all that he requires is his own little runaway 
wife. 

Capt. That's true enough — so come here to me, my darling, {to Mrs. 

O'SCUTTLE.) 

Mrs. OS. {holding letter up before Ms eyes). First, be good enough, 
Captain Fitzgerald O'Scuttle, to explain that " P. S." In its present 
state that " P. S." reads anything but pleasantly, {crosses to c.) 

Capt. Ha, ha, ha! I see — -jealous of little Jenny ! 

Mrs. O'S. Yes, sir — and I insist upon knowing what that mysterious 
female is. 

Capt. Ha, ha, ha! Why, the mysterious female in question happens 
to be the most elegant little Brazilian monkey you ever clapt eyes <ii!. 

Mrs. OS. A monkey for me 1 0, my dear, dear hiisbaM(i ! {embraces 
him) 

Sarah {aside). The man's married ! If I h.ad only known it at the 
time, wouldn't I have spoilt his 'figure-head." as lie calls it , rather ! (.tee- 
ing PiLMcoPDY', iclio i.s straying to and fro.fixt a.slc, p) Lnr', ma'au' — 
whatevers the matier with master'? Only lo'ok at him ! U>^ li><>ks lor 
all the world like a gooso a-going to roost. (Sarah and Alus. Pii.i.t- 

CODDY run to PlI.LICODDY.) ^ 

Mrs. p. Pillicoddy ! 

Sarah. Master ! {they shake him violently ; his hat tumbles off, and 
a 71 ujnber of poppy heads fall out) Poppies! He's gone and poisoned 
himself, (they all pull him and shako him, crying) " Rouse yourself." 



22 POOR PIIiLICODDT. 

PiL. That's right. Rouse me — keep continually rousing me ! Anas- 
tasia, it was all on your account— I thought he was going to tear you 
from me ! 

Mrs. p. Hel Who? 

Piii. Who ? Why — Sarah, rouse me ! (S.\rah takes a pin out of her 
dress, and runs it into Pillicoddy's «?■??;.) ZThankye. (to Mrs. P.) Why, 
your first — my predecessor — the once supposed to be lost, but lately 
turned up Scuttle ! 

Capt. If you mean Captain O'Scuttle, I am he — husband to this lady, 
and second cousin to my second cousin, the late Captain Fitzpatrick 
O'Scuttle. 

PiL. Ah ! Then you're not Roinson Crusoe — you're not my friend 
with the barnacles! Sarah, rouse me! {same play) Thank ye I I 
thought you were Patzfltrick — I mean Fatzpitrick — Sarah, rouse me I 
{same play) Thank ye ! And now I have nothing to fear. (Mrs. Pillcod- 
i>Y goes from l. to c, and points to audience) Well, what of that? {to 
Mrs. PiLLicoDnr) I repeat I've nothing to fear. It isn't the first time that 
I've stood my trial here, and, therefore — Sarah, rouse me 1 Thank ye ! 
I say, I'm inclined to hope that the same indulgent jury, without ever 
retiring from their boxes, will once more return a verdict of " Not Guil- 
ty " — then no one will be more transported than " Poor Pillicoddy." 

Disposition of the Characters. 

Captain, Mrs. O'Scuttle. Pillicoddy. Mrs. P. Sarah. 



CURTAIN. 



ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA. 



" Let those laugh now who never huighed before, 
And those who always laughed now laugh the more." 

Nothing so thorough and complete in the way of Ethiopian and Comic Dramas 
has ever been printed as those that appear in the following list. Not only are the 
plots excellent, the characters droll, the incidents funny, the language humorous, 
but all the situations, by-play, positions, pantomimic business, scenery, and tricks 
are so plainly set down and clearly explained, that the merest novice could put 
any of them on the stage. Included in this catalogue are all the most laughable 
and effective pieces of their class ever produced. 

«** In ordering, please copy the ligures at the commencement of each play, 
which indicate the number of the piece in " De Witt"s Ethiopian and Comic 
Drama." 

t^" Any of the following plays sent, postage free, on receipt of price— 
15 Cents Each. Address, 

CLINTON T. DE WITT, 

JVb. 33 Rose Street, JVew York. 



F. female. 



The figures in the columns indicate the number of characters— M. mafe, 



No. M. p. 

73. African Box. burlesque, 2 scene 5 

107. Africanus Bluebeard, musical 

Ethiopian burlesque 6 2 

4.3. Baby Elephant, sketch, 2 scene 7 1 
79. Barney's Courtship, musical 

interlude, 1 act 1 1 

42. Bad Whiskey, sketch, 1 scene. 2 1 
6. Black Chap from Whitechapel, 

negro piece 4 

10. Black Chemist, sketch, 1 scene 3 

11. Black-ey'd William, sketch, 2 

scenes 4 1 

40. Big Mistake, sketch, 1 scene.. 4 
78. Bogus Indian, sketch, 4 scenes 5 2 
89. Bogus Talking Machines (The) 

farce, 1 scene 4 

24. Bruised and Cured, sketch, 1 

scene 2 

108. Charge of the Hash Brigade, 

Irish musical sketch 2 2 

35. Coal Heaver's Revenge, negro 

.sketch, 1 scene 6 

41. Cremation, sketch, 2 scenes... 8 1 

12. Daguerreotypes, sketch, 1 .scene 3 
53. Damon and Pythias, burlesqme, 

2 scenes 5 1 

03. Darkey's Stratagem, 1 act 3 1 

no. De Black Magician, Ethiopian 

comicality, 1 scene 4 2 

111. Deeds of Darkness. Ethiopian 

extravaganza, 1 act 6 1 

.W. Draft (The), sketch, 1 act 6 

04. Dutchman's Ghost, 1 scene... 4 1 



No. M. F. 

95. Dutch Justice, sketch, 1 scene 11 

67. Editor's Troubles, farce, 1 see. G 

4. Eh y What is It r sketch 4 1 

98. ElopemenHThc), farce, 1 scene 4 1 
52. Exci.se Trials, sketch. 1 scene. 10 1 
25. Fcliow that Looks Like Me, in- 
terlude, 1 scene 2 1 

51. Fisherman's Luck, 1 scene.... 2 
88. First Niglit (The), Dutch farce, 

1 act 4 2 

106. Gambrinus. King of Lager 
Beer, Ethiopian burlesque", 2 

scenes 8 1 

83. German Emigrant (The), sketch 

1 scene 2 2 

77. Gettiu" Square on the Call Boy, 

sketch. 1 scene 3 o 

17. Ghost (The), sketch, 1 act 2 

58. Ghost in a Pawnshop, 1 scene. 4 

.31. Glycerine Oil, sketch 3 

20. Going for the Cup, interlude.. 4 

82. Good Night's Hest, 1 scene. .. .3 

86. Gripsack, sketch. 1 ecene a 

70. (4uidet()the Stage, sketch 3 

61. Happy Couple. 1 scene 2 1 

23. Hard Times, extravaganza, 1 

scene 5 1 

3. Hemmed In. sketch 3 1 

4S. High .Tack, the Heeler, 1 scene 

08. Hipi)ollieatron. sketch 

71. In and Out, sketch. 1 scene... 2 
3-3. .)ei.lous Husband, sketch ....2 1 
94. Julius, the Snoozer, 3 scenes . , " 



DE WITT'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA (Continued). 



No. 
103. 

1. 
3G. 
18. 
(iO. 
37. 
ilO. 
109. 
li). 
96. 

101 



M. P. 



1)6. 
91. 

92. 
14. 
45. 

103. 

55. 

81. 

26. 

; 15. 

59. 



1.3. 

16. 

47. 

54. 
100. 
10;i. 

M. 



10-t. 

5. 

28. 

C2. 

32. 



Katrina's Little Game, Dutch 

act, 1 scene 1 2 

Last of the Mohican.s, sketch. . 3 1 
Laughing Gas, sketch, 1 scene. 6 1 I 9 

Live Injun, sketcli, 4 scenes. .. 4 1\ 21 

Lost Will, sketch 4 0| 9 

Lucky Job, farce, 2 scenes.... 3 2 | 

Lunatic (The), farce, 1 scene.. 3 

Making a Hit, farce, 2 scenes.. 4 

Malicious Trespass, 1 scene.... 3 
Midnight Intruder (The), farce, 

1 scone 6 1 

MoUie Moriarty, Irish music- 
al sketch, 1 scene 1 1 

Mutton Trial, sketch, 2 scenes 4 

Musical Servant, sketch, 1 see. 3 
Night in a Strange Hotel, 

.sketch, 1 scene 2 

Obeying Orders, sketch 1 scene 2 1 
One Hundredth Night of Ham- 
let, sketch 7 1 

One Night in a Barroom, 

sketch 7 

One, Two, Three, 1 scene 7 

Pete and the Peddler, Negro 

and Irish sketch, 1 scene 2 1 

Policy Players, sketch, 1 scene 7 
Pompey's Patients, interlude, 

2 scenes 6 

Porter's Troubles, 1 scene 6 1 

Port Wine vs. Jealousy, sketch 2 1 
Painter's Apprentice (The), 

farce, 1 scene 5 C 

Polar Bear (The), 1 scene 4 1 

Recruiting Office, sketch, 1 act. 5 
Remittance from Home, 

sketch, 1 scene 6 

Rehearsal (The), Irish farce, 2 

scenes 4 2 

Rigging a Purchase, sketch, 1 

scene 3 

Rival Artists, sketch, 1 scene. 3 

Rival Tenants, sketch 4 

Sam's Courtship, farce, 1 act.. 2 1 

Sausage Makers, 2 scenes 5 1 

Scenes on the Mississippi, 

2 scenes 6 

Scampini, pantomime, 2 scenes 6 3 

Serenade(The), sketch,2 scenes 7 

Siamese Twins, 2 scenes 5 

Sleep Walker, .sketch, 2 scenes 3 

Slippery Day, sketch, 1 scene. 6 1 

Squire for a Day, sketch 5 1 

Stage-struck Couple, 1 scene. . 2 1 

Stranger, burlesque, 1 scene... 1 2 

and 2 children. 

Stupid Servant, sketch, 1 scene 2 

Streets of New York, 1 scene . 6 

Storming the Fort, 1 scene 5 

Take it,'Don't Take It, 1 scene 2 

Tliem Papers, sketch, 1 scene. 3 
Three Chiefs (The>. 2 scenes ..60 

Three A. M., sketch. 2 scenes. 3 1 
Three Strings to One Bow, 

sketch. 1 scene 4 1 

Tricks, sketch 5 2 

Two Awfuls (Tbe), 1 scene 5 

Two Blaclv Roses, .sketch 4 1 

llnclt> Kjili's T)if.im, 2 scenes.. .3 1 

Vinegar Hiltns. skitch, 1 scene 6 1 

Wake Up, William Henry.... 3 



M. P. 

Wanted, a Nnrse, 1 scene 4 

Weslon the Walkist, Dutch 

sketch, 1 scene 7 1 

What Shall I Take ? farce, 1 act 8 1 

AVho Died First ? 1 scene 3 1 

AVho's the Actor ? farce, 1 

scene 4 

M'rong Woman iu the Right 

Place, sketch, 2 scenes 2 2 

Young Scamp, sketch, 1 scene. 3 



DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS (Continued). 



No. 
144. 

34. 
137. 
111. 
119. 
I(i5. 

48. 

3:J. 
16t. 
109. 

85. 

87. 
143. 
189. 
11)3. 
154. 

G3. 

39. 

49! 

15. 

46. 

51. 
184. 
108. 
1.S8. 
169. 
130. 

92. 
193. 



115. 
2. 

m. 
112. 

18.-). 
84. 
117. 

171. 
14. 

173. 
176. 

90. 
170. 

33. 
3. 



M. T. 

Lancashire Lass, melodrama, 5 acts.l2 3 
ijarkiri!-' Love Letters, fitroc, 1 act.. 3 

L\'\rti(le 47, drama, 3 acts 11 

Liar (The), comedy, 2 acts 7 

Life Ch.i>e dr.im;i, 5 acts 14 

Livihi; .Statue (.The), farce, 1 act 3 

Little Annie's Uirthday, farce, 1 act. 2 

Little Rebel, farce, 1 act 4 

Little Kuby, drama, 3 acts 6 

Locked In, comedietta, 1 act 2 

Locked In witliaLa ly, sketch, 1 act. 1 

Locked Out, comic scene 1 

Lodgers an I Dodgers, farce, 1 act.. 4 
Leap Year, musical duality, 1 act.. . 1 

]Marcoreiti, drauiu, 3 acts 10 3 

Maria and Magdaena, 1 lay, 4 acts . 8 6 
Marriage at Any Trice, farce, 1 act. 5 
Master Jones' lliriliday, farce, 1 act. 4 

Maud's I'eril, drama, 4 acts 5 

Midnight Watch, drama, 1 act 8 

Milky White, drama, 2 acts 4 

Miriam's Crime, drama, 3 acts 5 

Model of a Wife, farce, 1 act 3 

]Mon<-y, comedy, 5 acts 17 

Mr. Scroggins, farce, 1 act 3 

Mr. X., farce, 1 act 3 

My Uncle's Suit, farce, 1 act 4 

My Wife's Diar., farce, 1 ;ict 3 

My Wife's Out, farce, 1 act 2 

My Walking PhutOj,raph, musical 

duality, 1 act 1 

Kever Keckon Your Ch.ckens, etc., 

farce, 1 act 3 

New ;Mcii and Old Acres, comedy, 3 8 

Nobody's < hild, drama, 3 acts 8 

Noemie, drama, 2 acts 4 

No Name, drama, 5 Mcts 7 

Not, a liit Jealous, farce, 1 act 3 

Not So Bad as We Seem, play, 5 acts. 14 

Not Guilty, drama, 4 acts 10 

Not Sucii a Fool as He Looks, drama, 

3 acts 5 

No liing Like Paste, farce, 1 act 3 

No Thoroughfare, drama, 5 acts and 

prologue 13 

Otf the Stage, comedietta, 1 act 3 

On Bread and Water, farce, 1 act... 1 

Only a halfpenny, farce, 1 act 2 

Only Somebody, farce, 1 act . 4 

One too Many for Him, farce, 1 act. 2 

£100,000, come<iy, 3 acts 8 

Orange Bio soms, comedietta, 1 act. 3 
Orange (jirl, drama, in prologue 

and 3 acts 18 4 

Our-;, comedy, 3 acts 6 3 

Our c Icrks, farce, 1 act 7 5 

Our Domestics, comedy farce, 2 acts 6 6 
Our Heroes, military play. 5 acts.. .24 5 
Out at Sea, drama in prologue and 

4 acts 16 5 

Overland Route, comedy, 3 acts 11 5 

Peace at Any Price, farce, 1 act 1 1 

Peep o' Day, drama, 4 acts 12 4 

Peggy Green, far e, 1 act 3 10 

Petticoat Parliament, extravaganza, 

in one act 15 S4 

Pliotographic Fix, farce, 1 act 3 2 

A COMPLETE 



No. 



H. T. 



61. Plot and Passion, drama, 3 acta 7 2 

138. Poll and Partner Joe, burlesque, 1 

act 10 3 

110. Poi)pleton's Predicaments, farce, 13 6 

50. Porter's Knot, drama, 2 acts 8 2 

59. Po.»t Uoy, drama, 2 acts 5 3 

95. Pretty llorse-Breakcr, farce, 1 act.. 3 10 
181 and 182. (^Jueen JIary, dram 1, 4 acts.38 8 
l.")7. liuite at Home, comedietta, 1 act. . . 5 2 
196. «Jueercst Courtship (The), comic op- 
eretta, 1 act 1 1 

132. Race for a Dinner, farce, 1 act 10 

183. Richelieu, pUiy, 5 acts 16 2 

38. Rightfu; Heir, drama, 5 acts 10 2 

77. Roll of the Drum, drama, 3 acts. . .. 8 4 
13. Ruy Was, drama. 4 acts 12 4 

194. Rum, drama, 3 acts 7 4 

195. Rosemi Shell, travesty, 1 act, 4 

scenes 6 3 

158. School, comedy, 4 acts 6 6 

79. Sheep in Wolf's Clothing, drama, 17 5 

37. Silent I'rotector, farce, 1 act 3 2 

35. Silent Woman, farce, 1 act 2 1 

43. Sisterly Service, comedietta. 1 act. . 7 2 

6 Si.x Months Ago, comedietta, 1 act. 2 1 

10. Snapping Tunles, duologue, lact.. 1 1 

26. Society, comedy, 3 act< 16 5 

78. Special Performances, farce, 1 act. . 7 3 
31. Taming a Tiger, farce. 1 act 3 

LW. Tell-Tale He irt, comedietta, 1 act 1 2 

120. Tempest in a Teapot, comedy, 1 act. 2 1 
146. There's no Smoke Without Fire, 

comedietta, 1 art 1 2 

83. Thrice Married, personation piece, 

lact 6 1 

42. Time and the Hour, drama, 3 acts. . 7 3 

27. Time and Tide, drama, 3 acts and 

prologue 7 5 

133. Timothy to the Rescue, farce. 1 act. 4 2 
153. 'Tis Better to Live than to Die, 

farce, 1 act 2 1 

134. Tompkins the Troubadour, farce, 13 2 
2.). Turning the Tables, farce, 1 act. ... 5 3 

168. Tweedie's Rights, comedy, 2 acts.. 4 2 

126. Twice Killed, farce, I act 6 3 

56. Two Gay Deceivers, farce, 1 act 3 

123. Two Poll-', fj,.cc, 1 act 4 4 

198. Twin Sisters (The), comic operetta, 

1 act 3 1 

162. Uncle's Will, comedietta. 1 act 2 1 

106. Up for the Cattle Show, farce, 1 act. 6 2 

81. Vandyke Brown, farce, lact 3 3 

121. Volunteer Kevicw, farce, 1 act 6 6 

91. Walpulc, comedy. 3 acts 7 2 

118. Wanted, a Young Lady, farce, 1 act. 3 

41. War to the Knife, comedv, 3 acts. . . 5 4 

105. Which ofthe Two? corned etta, lact 2 10 

98. Who is Who? farce. 1 act 3 2 

12. Widow Hunt, comedy, 3 acts 4 4 

5. William Tell with a Vengeance, 

burlesque 8 2 

136. Woman in Red, drama, 3 acts and 

prologue 6 

161. Woman's Vows and Mason's Oaths, 

4 acts 10 4 

11. Woodcock's Little (iamc. farce, 2 4 4 
54. Young t'ollouian (Cantab.), farce, 1 3 3 

DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE 



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